1. Cry :: me a fucking river. The shit people (generally fucking fundy women) get their panties all in a twist about drives me insane. :stfu:.
2. Stretch :: marks. On my toes. Yeah, my foot was that swollen.
3. Efficient :: uhhhh, what’s that mean?? I’m sure I have no idea…
4. Brunch :: Mimosas!!
5. Afro :: BrotherDanesi as a child when he let his hair grow LOL
6. Preheat :: oven. Damn, now I want biscuits!!
7. Delicious :: see Brunch
8. Global warming :: *sigh* Ok, I’m totally in the middle of the “Oh my god the planet is dying and it’s all our fauullt!” and the “Christ you people are stupid”. Yes, the climate is changing. Yes, we probably have had at least some impact on this. However, the earth goes thru these stages all on it’s own and frankly I don’t think humanity is so all-important that we’ve done as much harm as some think. Do we need to be more environmentally aware? Absolutely! That only makes sense but, dude, get the fuck over yourselves. We need to do it because humanity in general is entirely too short sighted. However, having said all that, if people want to keep crying “OMGWTFBBQ GLOBAL WARMING” all over the place I say it’s probably not a bad thing if it gets people to start being more environmentally aware. It needs to happen and if this is what it takes, then so be it.
9. Actions :: speak louder than words.
10. Ride :: me like a pony Heh, I wish…

So, foot surgery. MrDanesi says it was five hours, I seem to dimly recall one of the surgeons saying four. Whatever, it was long and apparently very involved. One of the surgeons, a very funny and handsome young man, had a lot of fun telling me just how hard it was to get the bones back into place. Apparently it took all three of them, with rods in place for leverage, and all of their strength to get the main joint to go back. They said there was a lovely, resounding, “POP” when it did…something I’m not sure I needed to know. They say they didn’t need to do as much fusing as they feared, only two joints at the middle. The rest is being held in place by six screws, three rods, a plate, and various wires. Yes, I have the x-rays

The hospital stay was…a hospital stay. The place itself is really nice, the nicest hospital I’ve ever been in. It is, of course, a very Catholic place and very tastefully decorated as such. This bugged the shit outta MrDanesi, me I just sort of let what the images and statues meant just slide by me and enjoyed the fact that it was at least pretty I especially love all the stained glass…tho, to be honest, it does bug me that soooo much money had to have been spent on decorations alone. Still, the staff have all seemed very pleasant and the equipment is top-notch, so I’m not going to complain much. MrDanesi and I had a lot of fun discussing how the place would be perfect for a Resident Evil type setting – the gorgeousness of the scenery would just be so utterly, awesomely, creepified. Yes, we’re twisted like that

The first night sucked. I don’t know if the orders were screwed up or if the night nurse was just a complete moron but I waited for nearly four hours in the middle of the night, crying in agony, for someone to come give me my goddamned pain meds. I even posted (with my Treo, of course ) to my :lsg: peeps on Ravelry to get my mind off things (and thank you all SO much for responding and making me laugh!). Not cool. And we won’t even discuss the humiliation that is a bedpan. You know, until now I didn’t actually know how these things worked. Now I wished I still didn’t.

After that, tho, it wasn’t so bad. The pain meds started getting taken care of regularly and even the food was good. Srsly! My Treo kept me sane. I did bring knitting but was in no shape to actually attempt anything other than bringing it out and petting it. Instead I lost many games of Uno and Solitaire and slept a lot.

I ended up staying two nights because my pain wasn’t controlled enough for my head podiatrist to be comfortable sending me home. Have I mentioned how much I love my podiatrist team? They are seriously the best ever. They’re so kind and funny, great about answering any and all questions with no snark or condescension, extremely competent…I just can’t say enough about them. There was some concern because the feeling in my toes had come back and then gone away again. I’d had a spinal during surgery so the docs and nurses kept telling me this was no real cause for concern, it sometimes happens. But there was also a pocket of swelling at the base of my toes that hurt like fire when touched. The head podiatrist came in, looked and poked (gently) and asked me to come in to her office the day after I was released. It was a Friday and she said that even though she couldn’t see any real reason for concern she wanted to be safe, said she wouldn’t sleep over the weekend unless she saw me. How fucking cool is that?

I have now had two follow-up visits, that first one included, and they seem to be pleased with how everything is healing. Me, I’m still a little freaked out by how my foot looks. Those rods? They’re sticking out of my foot!! I didn’t expect that! I didn’t really know what to expect, granted, but that sight was almost too much. And the incisions…four total, one almost the length of my foot. My mind keeps telling me, “Well, DUH!” but still…the Frankenstein look is a bit much to take in. The rods will come out, I can’t remember if they said when but I’ll be asking at my next follow-up tomorrow, but the screws may well stay. The handsome one said that unless they start to bother me there’s no real reason for them to come out and they’re not at all sure the foot will stay stable without them.

My :fil: keeps reminding me that I’ll be able to predict the weather now and the nurse that came to our house says I’m pretty much guaranteed to have arthritis in that foot. Christ on a fucking cracker, all I did was miss one lousy fucking stair! I’ve been hearing how common this is, tho, from my docs…and how much worse it could have been. I know I should consider myself lucky but sometimes I just can’t get my head around it. Usually when it’s still an hour before I can take another Perc and I can feel every incision and piece of metal in my foot and they all HURT.

To my doc’s eternal dismay, I’m still not great with the crutches. I’m up to a total of four falls now, tho the last was more of a controlled letting myself down and didn’t affect my foot at all. My balance has been seriously fucked for a while now, I think because of the hyst and hormone crap that caused, so I have to seriously concentrate when I’m trying to get around. Problem is, my mind just doesn’t work that way. Thoughts ramble thru my head about any and everything…except what I’m doing. I get distracted and the next thing I know I’ve overbalanced some how and having to grab whatever’s closest to steady myself. I’m working on it but it’s not easy to just tell my head to :stfu:. I did learn how to go up and down stairs in the hospital and I can do it, tho I don’t very often. The stairs in our house are so narrow and steep I’m just too afraid. I have gone down but I don’t know that I’ll ever attempt up. It helps when we have to go somewhere tho, I can get up and down the three steps from the porch to the front walk on my own instead of MrDanesi having to carry me. Not that we don’t both enjoy that, but all it would take is one misstep on his part and…well, let’s not think about that.

I wish I had more to talk about but right now my foot’s pretty much all there is. I’m sure there’s other stuff out there, and I’ll get to it eventually, but being essentially stuck in one room (with occasional forays to the living room) kinda puts a serious crimp in your blogging fodder. One last thing I will add – I have created a page with pictures of my foot. Please, for the love of whatever you consider good and decent, do NOT click if you are squeamish or just going to tell me how fucked up I am for putting them up. They’re up for the sake of my friends and family who have asked to see them, and for those who are just curious as hell (like I would be), so here ya go.

1. Crankiness :: is a fucked up foot.
2. Backpack :: mountains. Waaahhh!
3. Clone :: can you clone a foot?
4. High ground :: ACK! NO!
5. Dreams :: lately they’ve been about babies. I don’t get it. Can’t have them, don’t really want another…I think it’s all kittywhumpus’s fault
6. Lovingly :: wash my hair for me. Ahhh…bliss!
7. Mistake :: stairs. ‘Nuff said.
8. Carson :: Street! Damn, won’t be able to walk it again soon…
9. Errand :: Ouch. Even the wheelchair makes my foot hurt so much errands are a major :pita:
10. Dozen :: baker’s. Cupcakes. Hmm, might have to have MrDanesi stop after work

I know you’re just dying to hear more about my foot“sack of meat with some bones floating around”, right? Well, pretend. Surgery is scheduled for Monday, I had a CT today. I’m actually extremely happy about this! Like I’ve been telling everyone, the pain and everything I’ll have to deal with after surgery is going to suck but I prefer that because it means I’m on my way to healing. This pain I’m in now is useless, all it means is I’m a klutz who missed one lousy damned stair. There’s no healing going on here, it’s just all pain and that makes it all the worse to deal with. Not even the good drugs help much with that part.

It doesn’t help that they put me in a new splint at my last appointment. Remember how I said I fell twice? Well one of those managed to break the plaster on the last splint, right at the heel (the weakest part) so it no longer offered any support at all. I ended up taking the damned thing off and re-wrapping my foot in just the ace bandage because it just put too much pressure on my foot, the plaster actually pulled on my foot and made the pain ten times worse. The doctors were not at all pleased and told me I have to keep this one on. I was more than happy to comply, it actually feels better to have that support, except that this damned splint is almost worse! They didn’t set up the plaster very well so my foot/ankle is actually held crooked. They put no padding in it at all so my heel is being pressed hard into a space that is shaped all wrong and it fucking HURTS! Isn’t the pain from the injury enough?? I have to deal with this, too? I’ve unwrapped and rewrapped this thing a billion times and it always feels better for a little while, then my ankle and heel start killing me again. My guess is they feel better at first because of the relief of having it off for that little bit.

Well, last night I had a brain surge or something. I’d been trying to pad the plaster around the heel and ankle, putting bits of gauze and even a sock between the plaster and those parts of my foot, and then re-wrapping very carefully but it just never worked quite right. Either the padding wasn’t enough, the funkiness of the shape of the plaster made the padding useless, or the padding was situated so that there was an obvious “line” where it ended that I just couldn’t stand the feeling of on top of the pain. Last night I had the idea to pad the whole thing, wrap something around the whole of the plaster bit, or at least the part that’s directly on my foot and ankle. I figured this way I could negate the odd shaping and still have the support. Then I started thinking about what to use for the padding – it had to be something long and fairly skinny, like an ace bandage, and it had to be soft. The idea of knitting something came to mind but I knew I wouldn’t be able to get it done very quickly (for all that it would be idiot simple, I’m just not that fast), but then it occured to me that what I was imagining was essentially a skinny scarf. Well, I have one of those, my Georgiana It’s not all that skinny but it’s knit in a super soft yarn that I love. I wrapped it around the plaster where my foot actually sits, making sure to get it as even as possible. It means everything is much bulkier but I’ll take that in return for my foot being almost comfortable! I mean, it still hurts like a bitch but it’s the “normal” pain, not that horrible combination. We’ll just have to see how much this pisses off the doctor…and then I’ll tell her to fuck off. If they’d done it properly in the first place I’d've gladly left it alone!

1. Flicker :: candlelight
2. Styling :: hair. I needz it (the styling, not the hair ).
3. Episode :: I – The Phantom Menace. :WTF:?? Dude, that movie sucked!
4. Sexier :: than me. hmmm….
5. Studious :: desk, window, books, head bent over a page of writing
6. Mushroom :: yummy!!
7. 8 minutes :: to go. Til what? I have no idea.
8. Bald :: Tally
9. Immunity :: those fuckers in DC
10. Sectioned :: orange. Mmmm…oranges…

I had it brought home to me last night (well, early this morning) just why I can’t keep friends. Not that I’ve made any recently to keep, but that’s a whole other story. I guess I’m just a selfish bitch. Until last night I honestly hadn’t realized it had been, like, 6 months since I’d talked to a woman I’ve been friends with for several years. Seven, I think? We used to chat all the time on Yahoo then things got crowded at her place and it just didn’t happen as much. Last night I got a very short email, two actually, full of apologies for doing something wrong and with a definite tone of giving up, talking about a blog we used to share and her personal blog (which I set up on my server) as if she felt like I didn’t want her using them. Which I can see since I’ve been completely lax about keeping up either of them. Because I suck.

What really hit me, tho, was that she thought she had done something wrong. I guess maybe that could be her just putting too much into things but, honestly, when I haven’t gotten in touch what else would she think? After I got her emails (and sent off my own, full of updates and explanations of my own) I went thru past emails (yes, I am a packrat. Even on the computer.) and realized I don’t think I ever responded to her last email to me. At least, I can’t find my reply. The date stamp on her email is 1/28/2008 8:18 PM. Dude, that’s January! I was truly floored. How could I seriously have not realized that? What the hell is wrong with my head? Or my heart for that matter! What’s worse, for me, is that I only vaguely remember getting the email and I don’t remember replying at all. I just don’t. What the hell is wrong with me? I remember loving the pictures she sent and thinking how awesome it was that she’s going back to school…did I seriously not actually say those things? Do I suck that badly?

More and more these days I’m afraid of what’s going on, or not going on, in my own head. I’ve always been QueenScatterbrain but lately I can’t keep anything straight. I lose time. If it’s not written down somewhere prominent I will not remember it, no matter how important. And by prominent I mean somewhere I can’t miss it, like post-it notes everywhere. I have a calendar on my computer but cannot remember to check it. I have a day runner but can’t remember to check that, either. Or even to update it for that matter. I have alarms and schedules set up on my phone but I’m forever leaving it laying around and forgetting where it’s at. There’s a calendar hanging on the wall downstairs but that only works if you remember to write things on it! Grocery lists, I keep them…but never manage to remember to bring them to the store.

The code behind this site? Yeah, I did it. All of it. Which makes me sound cool except that I started working on it again yesterday and spent over an hour trying to remember what I had done and how. It’d been less than a week since I last looked at it. I have notes on what I was thinking…somewhere. :FSM: only knows where at this point, I certainly don’t.

I know, I know. Getting older sucks. But this…I don’t know. MrDanesi could ask me to do something just before he leaves for work, as he’s walking out the door, and by the time I’ve walked back to the kitchen I’ve completely forgotten it. Doesn’t matter how important it is. I know GirlDanesi told me last night what time she works today…I have no idea what she said now. As I type all this I’m trying to remember MrDanesi’s birthday (he was pointing out something he wants the other day…no idea what now) and I don’t know what it is. I know it’s next month…early in the month…

Or maybe it’s not that I can’t remember, maybe it’s just that I live so much in my own mind that outside things just sort of float by me. Wow, isn’t that the height of self-centeredness? When did that happen? It’s not like I don’t care. Sometimes I think I care too much, and generally about the wrong things (like what people think). Maybe my priorities have just gotten all screwed up. I just don’t know at this point but it does bother me. The thing is, I don’t know what to do about it.

I need to get involved with something outside the house, that’s for sure. I need to get over worrying about the damned white trash neighbors and take the dog for more walks. I need to maybe find a good knitting group I feel comfortable with. I need something with little pressure since I do not do pressure, I’ll just walk away before I let someone or something else pressure me to get something done. Deadlines and I do not get along well. Never have. It’s one of the reasons I’m grateful every damn day that MrDanesi doesn’t see a need for me to get a job.

I certainly need to blog more!

Actually, one of the biggest things I need (and have needed for a long while now) is to get more organized. This means getting rid of a metric fuck-ton of crap, organizing what’s left, and setting up some sort of system of reminders that will work for me. The first step in getting rid of crap has been taken, I joined the local Freecycle group. Now I just have to start posting offers… I’ve got a good start on organizing the craft room thanks to a large Ikea shelf but the office area still needs some serious work. The rest of the house…well, still working that out. We just have so little storage space at all. Shelves are very high on the priority list when we get some money, that will help a lot. Having stuff just sort of piled up everywhere drives me a little insane, that’s probably at least a little of my issues right now. If nothing’s really organized in my home, and I can’t do much more about it, it directly impacts my mind-set and how I deal with everything else. I feel cramped and blocked in by crap. Even if it’s not really “crap”.

As for reminders…sigh. Wanna know my big idea? This.

I know, retarded right? It’s insane…but me wanty soooo bad! Calendar right there, I can add to it right way. Write notes to myself whenever I need to. Hell, talk to myself and remember what I said! Keep grocery lists right there. Knitting patterns! General crafty-type ideas all in one place and accessible. GPS so I don’t have to be so afraid of getting lost since after two years I still drive around feeling completely turned around most of the time. Yeah, ok, and I’m a complete gadget whore. It’s too fucking expensive and a data plan means cutting my own spending money to almost nil…but, I want it. I want it so bad I find myself reaching for it to add to the grocery list. I dream about the damned thing. I do need a new phone, mine is crap to the point of almost being unusable. And my birthday is coming up. Or I could save for this in, oh, 3 months or so. I could get rid of all the various calendars and notebooks I have laying around. I can justify this thing in a million different ways but deep down…I just want it.

Oh, and just for your amusement:
14
As a 1930s wife, I am
Very Poor (Failure)
Take the test!

1. Notification :: parental. AAGH! That’s me!
2. Cheat :: on. As in, I’m eternally grateful he forgave me for it.
3. Top Ten :: blech. Oh, wait, that’s Top 40.
4. Draft :: goddamned war. Hope the Colonel will be ok.
5. Unbelievable :: Ford Fairlane!
6. Cheap :: perfume. Hm, what the hell?
7. Spontaneous :: combustion. Damn. Wanted that to be sex. Wonder what that says about me…
8. Harass :: ment. Like, get the fuck out of my head bitch!
9. Lipstick :: fish scales. Ew.
10. Transpire :: Transporter. Great movie. No relation at all between the words, but there you go.

I have a new blog! Yay! I’ve been getting emails about these mutterings forever but…well, the other blog wasn’t really mine. I mean, it was, but not. If you see what I mean. Um…no, you don’t. It was a pre-made theme that I tried to play with and make it feel more like mine but in the end that never works for me. This one’s all mine, bugs and all. Therefore, this is my real blog. Get it?

My son’s “dresser” just fell on him. It’s actually more of a bookcase with doors sort of thing. They were cheap when we had no furniture, ok? Well, they’re worth what we paid for them. We’ve known forever that these things need replacing bad but, yeah, the money thing. So he’s got a bruise on his back because we’re fucking broke all the time even tho MrDanesi makes like $92k/year. Jesus fucking christ. Thank whoever that he didn’t get seriously hurt! Or worse, it didn’t fall on one of the kittehs. I don’t think I could handle losing another one.

I’m still torn up about losing little Spaz. She was so cute and sweet! Only 2.5 months old when…well, I’m not going into details. Learned my lesson about that one. It’s sad enough to know we lost her so young. I’m not sure if it’ll be better or worse when her sister goes to her new mommy later this month and won’t be around to remind me. They were the only two black and whites, the others (all boys, go figure) are all black with tiny white spots. Spaz looked just like her dad. Poor thing… I love this picture, tho it’s heartbreaking to realize her eyes were still blue in it.

On the upside – 5 kittehs go nom nom nom Had to bring the post back up a bit. I lurves my kittehs! It’s so damn cool to walk in the door and have a pile o’ fur laying there, just waiting to be petted and squeezed. Not that they seem to enjoy it as much as we do. Well, not always anyway. Too bad. I need my fur fix! Panda’s the best for this, he’s so laid back. Ok, he’s lazy. The others will only give affection if it’s time for affection. Typical cats

The only thing that compares to that pile o’ fur when you walk in is the pile o’ fur on the bed when you finally get to bed. Unless, of course, they’re in your spot. Kittehs have very sharp claws. I’m off to see how many are waiting for me