I live in my own mind
Unconscious Mutterings week 286
- Flicker :: candlelight
- Styling :: hair. I needz it (the styling, not the hair
). - Episode :: I – The Phantom Menace. :WTF:?? Dude, that movie sucked!
- Sexier :: than me. hmmm….
- Studious :: desk, window, books, head bent over a page of writing
- Mushroom :: yummy!!
- 8 minutes :: to go. Til what? I have no idea.
- Bald :: Tally
- Immunity :: those fuckers in DC
- Sectioned :: orange. Mmmm…oranges…
I had it brought home to me last night (well, early this morning) just why I can’t keep friends. Not that I’ve made any recently to keep, but that’s a whole other story. I guess I’m just a selfish bitch. Until last night I honestly hadn’t realized it had been, like, 6 months since I’d talked to a woman I’ve been friends with for several years. Seven, I think? We used to chat all the time on Yahoo then things got crowded at her place and it just didn’t happen as much. Last night I got a very short email, two actually, full of apologies for doing something wrong and with a definite tone of giving up, talking about a blog we used to share and her personal blog (which I set up on my server) as if she felt like I didn’t want her using them. Which I can see since I’ve been completely lax about keeping up either of them. Because I suck.
What really hit me, tho, was that she thought she had done something wrong. I guess maybe that could be her just putting too much into things but, honestly, when I haven’t gotten in touch what else would she think? After I got her emails (and sent off my own, full of updates and explanations of my own) I went thru past emails (yes, I am a packrat. Even on the computer.) and realized I don’t think I ever responded to her last email to me. At least, I can’t find my reply. The date stamp on her email is 1/28/2008 8:18 PM. Dude, that’s January! I was truly floored. How could I seriously have not realized that? What the hell is wrong with my head? Or my heart for that matter! What’s worse, for me, is that I only vaguely remember getting the email and I don’t remember replying at all. I just don’t. What the hell is wrong with me? I remember loving the pictures she sent and thinking how awesome it was that she’s going back to school…did I seriously not actually say those things? Do I suck that badly?
More and more these days I’m afraid of what’s going on, or not going on, in my own head. I’ve always been QueenScatterbrain but lately I can’t keep anything straight. I lose time. If it’s not written down somewhere prominent I will not remember it, no matter how important. And by prominent I mean somewhere I can’t miss it, like post-it notes everywhere. I have a calendar on my computer but cannot remember to check it. I have a day runner but can’t remember to check that, either. Or even to update it for that matter. I have alarms and schedules set up on my phone but I’m forever leaving it laying around and forgetting where it’s at. There’s a calendar hanging on the wall downstairs but that only works if you remember to write things on it! Grocery lists, I keep them…but never manage to remember to bring them to the store.
The code behind this site? Yeah, I did it. All of it. Which makes me sound cool except that I started working on it again yesterday and spent over an hour trying to remember what I had done and how. It’d been less than a week since I last looked at it. I have notes on what I was thinking…somewhere. :FSM: only knows where at this point, I certainly don’t.
I know, I know. Getting older sucks. But this…I don’t know. MrDanesi could ask me to do something just before he leaves for work, as he’s walking out the door, and by the time I’ve walked back to the kitchen I’ve completely forgotten it. Doesn’t matter how important it is. I know GirlDanesi told me last night what time she works today…I have no idea what she said now. As I type all this I’m trying to remember MrDanesi’s birthday (he was pointing out something he wants the other day…no idea what now) and I don’t know what it is. I know it’s next month…early in the month…
Or maybe it’s not that I can’t remember, maybe it’s just that I live so much in my own mind that outside things just sort of float by me. Wow, isn’t that the height of self-centeredness? When did that happen? It’s not like I don’t care. Sometimes I think I care too much, and generally about the wrong things (like what people think). Maybe my priorities have just gotten all screwed up. I just don’t know at this point but it does bother me. The thing is, I don’t know what to do about it.
I need to get involved with something outside the house, that’s for sure. I need to get over worrying about the damned white trash neighbors and take the dog for more walks. I need to maybe find a good knitting group I feel comfortable with. I need something with little pressure since I do not do pressure, I’ll just walk away before I let someone or something else pressure me to get something done. Deadlines and I do not get along well. Never have. It’s one of the reasons I’m grateful every damn day that MrDanesi doesn’t see a need for me to get a job.
I certainly need to blog more!
Actually, one of the biggest things I need (and have needed for a long while now) is to get more organized. This means getting rid of a metric fuck-ton of crap, organizing what’s left, and setting up some sort of system of reminders that will work for me. The first step in getting rid of crap has been taken, I joined the local Freecycle group. Now I just have to start posting offers… I’ve got a good start on organizing the craft room thanks to a large Ikea shelf but the office area still needs some serious work. The rest of the house…well, still working that out. We just have so little storage space at all. Shelves are very high on the priority list when we get some money, that will help a lot. Having stuff just sort of piled up everywhere drives me a little insane, that’s probably at least a little of my issues right now. If nothing’s really organized in my home, and I can’t do much more about it, it directly impacts my mind-set and how I deal with everything else. I feel cramped and blocked in by crap. Even if it’s not really “crap”.
As for reminders…sigh. Wanna know my big idea? This.
I know, retarded right? It’s insane…but me wanty soooo bad! Calendar right there, I can add to it right way. Write notes to myself whenever I need to. Hell, talk to myself and remember what I said! Keep grocery lists right there. Knitting patterns! General crafty-type ideas all in one place and accessible. GPS so I don’t have to be so afraid of getting lost since after two years I still drive around feeling completely turned around most of the time. Yeah, ok, and I’m a complete gadget whore. It’s too fucking expensive and a data plan means cutting my own spending money to almost nil…but, I want it. I want it so bad I find myself reaching for it to add to the grocery list. I dream about the damned thing. I do need a new phone, mine is crap to the point of almost being unusable. And my birthday is coming up. Or I could save for this in, oh, 3 months or so. I could get rid of all the various calendars and notebooks I have laying around. I can justify this thing in a million different ways but deep down…I just want it.
Oh, and just for your amusement:
14
As a 1930s wife, I am
Very Poor (Failure)
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